A Gay Old Time
by Arfea and Alcy
Summary: Action! Adventure! Horror! All the things you'll read in another story. The Crackiest crack fanfiction you will ever, ever read. Don't ask, don't question it, don't even think. Just sit back and let the strangeness flow. R
1. Chapter 1: The Beginning

Ok, Arfea and Alcy are back, sorry our last fic was discontinued, but we aren't doing another auction. ducks as many items are thrown at both We are just going to be random and hope it works! Ok, here we go.

Arfea: Wait, here, let's explain a little, Alcy and I alternate writing a few sentences, or paragraphs if we get carried away. (Mumbles about Alcy and pingpong tables...) Anyway, disclaimer, do your thing.

Disclaimer; Arfea and Alcy do not own Lord of the Rings or anything related to that. It belongs to JRR Tolkien and the Publishing Company.

Alcy: Actually, It belongs to Christopher Tolkien.

Disclaimer: oops, sorry, my mistake. Anyway, on to, the well, fic.

Alcy: Oh, yeah, we can't think up a good title, so please leave any suggestions you have in reviews!

Arfea: stop interrupting the Disclaimer guy. Start the story!

**Chapter 1 --Teh Beginning**

One fine summer day, Samwise Gamgee was gardening down at Bag End, wishing that he could finish quickly and go back to his fair Rosie as soon as possible. He hummed an elvish song he had heard while in Gondor to himself.

"O no, I've lost the melody, oh I wish Mr. Legolas were here, he could sing me the words. And I could stare at his hot body while pretending to pay attention..." Suddenly Frodo popped his head out of the window,

"I heard that Sam, and I'm telling on you the next time we see Legolas!" "Don't worry Mister Frodo, I'll save some loving for you too..." Frodo cast his eyes downward, "I'm sorry Sam, but I'm in a relationship right now. Merry would be very upset if I cheated on him."

"That's ok, Mister Frodo. Why didn't I realize that I was bisexual until AFTER I married Rosie? No wonder I'm more in love with guys than her. Oh well."

"Not much to do about that," Said a familiar voice. Sam turned quickly around to see Legolas standing next to him. "Oh dear." Sam replied. Frodo started cracking up at what he imagined what was about to happen.

"You realize, however, that Pointy ears are not for me. They're giving me nightmares." Legolas said as he bent over Sam's shoulder to check his progress. "But Legolas... you have pointy ears." said Frodo.

"I know, but i can not see them, therefore, they do not scare me." Legolas turned around, bent over and leaned into the window to converse with Frodo, missing Sam's rapt attention at his... ahem... position. Frodo noticed Sam's noticing.

"Enjoying the view, Sam?" Sam blushed. "I know I am." Said a deep voice. Frodo looked up to see Aragorn also admiring Legolas's tight little arse. Legolas turned around.

"Oh, yes, the shire's scenery is exquisite, and- is that Merry and Pippin romping in the meadow nude?"

"WWWHHHHAT!" Frodo shouted angrily, turning to face the meadows off in the distance he shouted, "MERRY YOU CHEATER! I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!" He began sobbing to himself quietly as both Legolas and Aragorn wore similar expressions of confusion. Sam silently cheered. Far off in the distance, Merry and Pippin romped in the grass.

"Did you hear something?" Merry asked.

"No. Why?"

"I dunno, thought I heard my name. Must be the wind or an angry ex girlfriend."

"Huh. I didn't know Frodo was a girl. Although he does look like one."

Legolas bent down and patted Frodo on the back through the window. "Its alright Frodo, I'm sure Merry and Pippin aren't doing what you think." Aragorn and Sam had both returned to their previous activity.

"You're able to tell, you've got super vision or something, right?" Frodo asked through his tears. "And hearing." Sam added. Aragorn merely nodded, his eyes never leaving Legolas's behind. Legolas turned around and looked at Aragorn, who now had an even better view of something else now. "Aragorn? What are you looking at?" "um... There's a bug on you?" Aragorn quickly improvised. Sam, catching on quickly said, "I'll get it!" And brushed where Aragorn's eyeline was. Legolas looked down at Sam, who had the best view of all. "I could have done that myself, thanks Sam." "Just trying to help. Good Samwise, always helping the nice elves" he said in a Gollum-mocking manner. Aragorn shot Sam an angry look. "Damn hobbits and their limited height." Aragorn muttered under his breath.

"Ummm... yeah. Anyways, my keen sense of sight sees that Merry and Pippin have been making out now for the past five minutes. Sorry Frodo." He leaned back over to comfort the now sobbing Frodo. Aragorn and Sam both stared. Frodo looked up at Legolas and seemed angry now.

"Well, two can play at that game!" He quickly pulled Legolas's head down by his warrior braids and proceded to french the sexy elf. Both Aragorn and Sam stood with their mouths agape. After a few minutes of watching the two of them french, they realized that Legolas was not going to be disgusted anytime soon. Sam looked at Aragorn, and Aragorn looked at Sam. They watched the two continue to make out while Merry, far in the distance suddenly pulled away from Pippin.

"I'm sorry Pip, I just can't. I made a commitment to Frodo, and I intend to keep it." With that he stood up and began walking toward Bag End, unaware of the couple.

To Be Continued...

Arfea: If we get at least...5 reviews...please review, we need to know people are reading and liking...criticism is also welcome, as long as its constructive, no "Your story sucks cause its perverted and gay" b/c thats flaming and flaming is dumb b/c why would you take the time to read the story and then flame when you could just note that it isn't a story you want to read and then read something better...

Alcy: 'Fea, you're rambling...

Arfea: Sorry...and don't call me 'Fea!


	2. Chapter 2, In Which a Big Mess etc etc

Arfea: Well, we're back, with 3 reviews...but we figured, 3 is better than 0 and 2 less than 5, so its relatively close...

Alcy: And we were impatient...

Disclaimer: Same shpeal as the last time, Arfea and Alcy have not, do not and most likely will never own Lord of the Rings or its characters. The sexuality of the characters in no way reflects the real life actors' sexuality,

Arfea: Jeez...just get on with the fic...

Chapter 2 In Which a Big Mess Becomes Slightly Smaller, then Grows Larger Again.

Merry walked throught the gate, not knowing that Frodo and Legolas were currently frenching throught the window.

Merry tripped over Aragorn, who had decided to sit down and knit a sweater. He had seen a new pattern that he wanted to try out, but was obviously messed up.

"Damnit Meriadoc, I'm in the middle of something!" At this, Frodo broke away from Legolas  
"Oh Merry..."  
Merry stopped short. "What the hell is going on here?"

"I-I-I can explain" Frodo studdered out. "This is not what it looks like. He just grabbed me! I couldn't get away!" Legolas shot a slightly hurt and angry glance at him.

"I most certainly did nothing of the sort, Frodo Baggins! You grabbed me, wishing to get back at your cheating boyfriend." Merry looked between Legolas and Frodo.

Merry finally said, "Since Legolas is leaning in the window, and Frodo has a tight grip on Legolas's hair, I blame Legolas!" Everyone else face-faulted.

"But Frodo, what made you think I was cheating?"

Legolas matter-of-factly put his hands on his hips and tartly replied "I saw you. Do you think being an elf only means I have a pretty arse? I have brains and 'keen' eyesight you know."

Merry merely replied with "Oh." While Aragorn smiled and laughed quietly, "Why Legolas, I had no idea you knew what a nice arse you have!" Legolas turned around, "I'm not stupid Aragorn, I know what you were doing before! And you too Samwise Gamgee!"

Sam honestly replied "So?"

"It just makes it easier to know that you know" aragorn added.

Merry had been pouting in the background when suddenly he strode forward. "Sam! I'm going to go get Rosie and tell her what you've been up to. Then we can sort everything out inside, right Frodo?" Frodo nodded eagerly, "Of course Merry, you know I can't resist you!" He cooed. "Neither can most hobbits" Said a voice belonging to Pippin Took.

Merry turned around. "What are you doing here, pippin?" "Why the hell did you leave? I thought we had something special!" Pippin angrily yelled. "Hey, thats my line," Frodo muttered to himself.

Meanwhile, legolas and Aragorn were both equally confused.

Sam on the otherhand, had no problem working out what he should do and was already half-way to his own house by the time he was missed.

Legolas stepped in, hoping to mediate. "Now, hobbits, I think this can be settled with little conflict." Speaking even as Pippin threw himself at Frodo, fists flying.

Frodo and Pippin tumbled around on the ground for a few minutes, until Pippin "accidentially" kissed frodo. Frodo, suprised to enjoy it, kissed back. Merry stood with his mouth agape.

Then Merry's surprise turned into a smirk, "Well, now I think I have a better idea." He looked between Pippin and Frodo, "Threesome!"

Both hobbits looked at eachother, then Merry, then eachother again, and slowly nodded.

Merry let out a whoop and grasped both of them by their overcoats and dragged them inside.

Legolas and Aragorn, being the only two left, shrugged, and grabbed each other. they went to hide behind a bush, where Arwen and Bilbo were... ahem I wont get into that... -.-'''

Aragorn of course, yelped unhappily and only managed a small "Why Arwen?"

to which she replied, "He's just so much more, powerful! Agressive! And what about you? I knew you were a blonde chaser. Knew it the first time I saw you."

Legolas angrily replied, "Well, at least its not gray, but it suits you, Grandma!"

"And just what is wrong with grey hair?" Bilbo replied indignantly, hurredly zipping up his pants.

"And who are you calling grandma? You're at least 300 years older than me!" Arwen retorted to Legolas.

"And I havent aged in over a thousand years!"

Legolas said smugly, teasing running a finger up and down Aragorn's chest. "Seems to me you've aged a lot recently. And gained weight,gasp Are you pregnant?"

Arwen blushed deeply. "Well, the child will be a bit different than most!"

Arargorn added "Yeah, half elf half hobbit you slut!"

"Well, I wanted to have a child with pointy ears..."

Aragorn, disgusted, left angrily, dragging legolas helplessly away by the warrior braids. They went into the Green Dragon inn, got a room, and... um... you canfill in the blankyourself...

And Arwen and Bilbo turned to each other,

"Dear, you didn't tell meI was going to be a father."

"Well, I just found out myself"

Bilbo sighed happily "I've never been a father..."

Frodo, having just come from, well, you know, fainted with a slight "I'm going to have a new relative?"

Frodo then did a double take. "What are you two doing here? I thought you were in rivendell! ... ... AND WHY ARE YOU BEHIND MY BUSH!"

"Daddy went insane and burned all of rivendell to the ground." arwen answered.

"Argh, it was such a nice vacation spot too!" Moaned Merry as he walked out of Bag End. "Wait, whats going on here?" He asked as he stared at Frodo still on the ground and Arwen and Bilbo still in eachother's arms, "Where're Legolas and Aragorn?"

"Aragorn dragged Legolas off to the green dragon. No doubt they are doing unspeakable things in a room over there." Bilbo answered.

"Literally dragged" added Arwen.

Suddenly Legolas appeared, looking quite disheveled."Unfortunately, Aragorn couldn't wait until the Green Dragon." He gave a slight glare towards Aragorn who had suddenly appeared, a smile upon his lips. "Arwen, I don't know how you could stand his horny arse for all these years."

Arwen shrugged, "Humans."

Aragornsmiled sheepishly.

"Am I the only straight person in this entire movie?" Bilbo muttered to himself.

Arwen ignored him, while everyone else wondered why Bilbos lips were moving without saying anything.

Frodo finally said, "Why not take a trip, I'm sure Galadriel will want to hear about you and Bilbo, Arwen." Arwen nodded, "Daddy's there too, that'll be killing two birds with one stone!" At once a score of eagles flew over head and dumped their, "cargo" all over Arwen cause the others to move at least 3 feet away. They set off for Lothlorien once Arwen had taken 5 baths. Meanwhile, the authoresses, from a void far away, were rolling on the floor laughing. "Remember when he said, and then he said, and then he did... HAHAHA! that was so funny!" alcy squealed. Arfea sweatdropped. "I still cant believe we made them do all this stuff. I wonder what would happen if we just let them continue on their own..."

TBC "duh duh dunnnn!"

Alcy: --''' 'Fea, thats my job.

Arfea: Sorry, it just seemed appropriate...please review, the best is yet to come! We promise!


	3. Rivend NO! LOTHLORIEN! LOTHLORIEN!

Disclaimer: Hello. I am a new disclaimer. Our previous disclaimer had an unfortunate accident, and can no longer write/speak/whatever

Ghost of Previous Disclaimer: I'll get you for that!

Arfea: Stay out of this, Ghost...and just get on with it new disclaimer,

Alcy: I'm gonna call you Dissy!

Arfea: _looks up in despair_ Why me?

Dissy (teehee!XD): Fine... We do not own Lord of the Rings, or anything else. Any references to the character's sexuality or whatever is not true(maybe) and no offense is meant to JRR Tolkien or New Line Cinema/Peter Jackson.

Alcy: Well, here we are at chapter 3. Woohoo.  
Arfea: _sarcastically_ Curb the enthusiasm...please...your killing me...  
Alcy: OH NO! I'M SO SORRY!  
Arfea: _underbreathprobably_ not really...--;;;  
Alcy: Well, now the story's in Rivendell.  
Arfea: Actually, its Lothlorien.  
Alcy: Isn't that what I said?  
Arfea: no.  
Alcy: _shrug_ Freudian slip. Ah well.  
Arfea: Not exactly...  
Alcy: Let's start the chapter before we kill someone.

Arfea: As if we haven't already...

Chapter 3: Riven- NO! LOTHLORIEN! LOTHLORIEN!

Galadriel stood by her mirror, a sign proclaiming, 'Look into the mirror of Galadriel...5$ for 3 minutes! KNOW ALL OF YOUR POSSIBLE FUTURES! fortunetelling also availible by Elrond Halfelven' And Elrond stood off to the side, an odd turban tied around his head. A line had already formed infront of them, though they weren't to open for another half an hour.

Elrond turned to his Mother-in-Law "This was a great idea!" Galadriel merely nodded, serenely.

ahem back to our hobbits... oh, they're in line. Of course. --;;;

Frodo turned to Merry. "You didn't say anything earlier. Are you alright?" "Yeah, I'm fine" Merry said unconvincingly.

"Are you sure? You seem, tense," Frodo prodded. "Look Frodo, i just, I just don't like Lothlorien, alright?  
"Why not?"

"Well," Merry looked embarassed, "You see, when we were here last time, I fell, from a tree. And all the elves laughed at me!" Merry buried his head in his hands.

The elf standing in front of Merry turned around. "You're the hobbit that fell out of the tree a few years ago?" Merry nodded sadly. "GAHAHAHAHAHA!" the elf pointed and laughed hysterically. He then procceded to fall on the ground, rolling with laughter, as Merry's face grew stormier and stormier.

Frodo angrily kicked the elf, "Its none of your business! I'm sure you have something embarassing in your past too!"

At this Elrond nodded, "He tried to tell his parents he was gay, but they didn't believe him, then they caught him making out with his bf in his parents bedroom."

Merry laughed. The elf, not knowing that his most embarrasing moment had been revealed, continued to roll on the ground. Legolas, who was standing behind Frodo, leaned over and stuck his tongue in Frodo's ear. "Legolas?" "Yes?" "What do you think you are doing? "

"Yes, when it is very clear that you and Aragorn are in a relationship!" replied Pippin.

"Well, just wanted to know what Arwen sees in hobbits so much." Legolas shrugged. "I'll just go then..."

"No wait!" cried Frodo.

"What?" said Legolas, who hadn't started to leave yet. "Uhh..." "And besides," Legolas continued, "Aragorn and I are not in a relationship. We just felt like shagging." Frodo slloooooowly steped away.

"So, if you felt like, you know, shagging some more, would you consider, oh, i don't know, another elf, older, wiser?" Asked Elrond eagerly.

Legolas turned in disgust, "What do you think I am, a slut like your daughter, no way old man!"and Legolas stalked away.

Elrond walked away while sobbing. Legolas, who had somehow gotten miles away, bent down in a corner and took out a photo of Gollum. "Oh Gollum, why did you have to go?"

Meanwhile, the dead spirit of Gollum sighed deeply. Oh Legolas, it would never have worked I'm well, wrinkly, ugly, and disgusting, and you are,...everything opposite of that. GO! BE FREE! Legolas tilted his head sideways and raised an eyebrow, almost as if he had heard something speaking.

Legolas look down to see frodo staring quizzically up at him.

Are we gonna do this or what?Actually, Frodo, I think i'm not going to have any for a while. I feel that sex is all people think I am capable of. No one knows this but my true passion is...HAIR DRESSING!

Frodo stood there, mouth hanging open. Thats beyond gay. He walked away with a dissapointed look on his face. As he passed by the other hobbits, he grabbed Merry by the collar and hid somewhere secret.  
THE END

And now, for one more paragraph of chapter 3!

Farther away, near the queue of elves waiting for their fortunes to be told. Arwen, Bilbo and Elrond were engaged in a battle. An actual battle. Arwen stood, looking like um, what was her name, uh, Buffy, yeah, with her sword drawn and held high above her head. Bilbo held a stick in his hand and Elrond simply held a bow.

YOU SLUT! He was my best friend! DIE NOW! Elrond shot both Arwen and Bilbo and as they lay dead Galadriel walked over.

Their child would have been your savior Elrond, but now you will suffer a terrible death. Elrond gulped and ran away.

THE END! (for real)

Alcy: Aha! We added an extra chapter for you guys! BONUS MATERIAL!  
Arfea: _dragging unconscious alcnolien across... the place..._ We're going now. Samwise, could you give them the message?

Sam: _ahem_ Please review! If you wish to flame, go ahead, but you could just as well not review at all, I mean, if you don't like the looks of the story...just don't read it...don't tell us how terrible it is...because it wastes our time reading it and it wasted your time reading the story you didn't like and then taking the time to write down that you didn't like it...(infected by Arfea's ramble bug)  
Legolas: C'mon, it's an awesome story, anyways! I mean, It's got ME in it!  
Frodo: EVERY story's got you in it! Not that I'm jealous...  
Legolas: Well...we are the authoresses' favorite characters...logically we'd be a major part of the story...

Chapter: _ends cause it can't take it anymore_ AUGH! I quit!

Alcy: _drools_

Arfea: _shoves Alcy away_ UGH!


	4. We're off to see the hairdresser!

Arfea: Alright...sincesomeone already showed you a bit of this chapter...

Alcy: tee hee

Arfea: --'''

Alcy: Recap-Elrond killed Arwen and Bilbo...and Galadriel told Elrond that their child would have saved Elrond's life...and thats basically all...

Arfea: And Legolas has sworn off sex for hairdressing...(why did i do that?)

Dissy: Because it was the first thing to come to your mind...anyway...yada yada yada...the 2 A's don't own LOTR... the Tolkiens and PJ own it...we are not saying anything about the actors' or actually characters' sexuality...and we are def. not homophobic...or making fun of people who are homosexual...

Arfea: Honestly! We love all kinds of people

Alcy: --''' 'Fea...thats enough

Arfea: No, really, we do!

Ghost of Previous Disclaimer: _knocks Arfea unconscious_ No one cares about you and I blame you for not saving me!

Arfea: XX

Chapter 4: We're off to see the hairdresser!

Legolas had suddenly transformed into a hair-dresser looking person and had opened his own Shop. All of those in Galadriel's line had switched and were waiting for legolas to do their hair. he was a surprisingly good stylist and soon became all the rage in Middle Earth, excluding Moria which had no contact with the outside world and were dead dwarves anyway. Gimli was first in line and was bragging about swimming with little hairy women to all who would listen, which was no one. ( If you haven't seen the extended DVD version of ROTK then you have no idea what you're missing!)

10 minutes later, Frodo came back. Merry had a weird bruise for some reason on his face. We will never know why. Anyway, he saw the line of people and started crying. But, we almost had something special Legolas! He wailed.

Suddenly Elrond was wheeled in on a stretcher, bleeding profusely. Both medics were doing some kind of test and turned to face the elf-lord.

I'm sorry sir, but it appears that in order to live, you need half elf half hobbit blood transfused right away. Unfortunately, there are no crossbreeds around or that ever existed. Sorry buddy, you are dead in 2 minutes. Elrond's face screwed into a look of deep pain, NOOO! My grandchild, ah well ,it was a bastard child anyway. Goodbye cruel world Arwen, i'm- wait, i killed you, crap, eternity with a pissed-off, continuosly pregnant daughter. I'm doomed. He then keeled over and died, even though he was lying on a stretcher.

Galadriel walked away from legolas's shop with an awesome new hairdo. Oh Elrond! look at my pretty new hair! Yours still sucks haha. Oh... you're dead. ... yay! she then proceeded to skip away merrily.

Frodo was up next in line for a haircut. uh... hi, Legolas.

Legolas looked around. Hello? who said that?

Frodo sweatdropped. DOWN HERE, YOU DUNDERHEAD! Legolas placed his hands on his hips angrily, (yes i know this is girly, but i still love u legolas! Arfea, who has woken up,turns to real Legolas and glomps him) You know mister, I'm bein really nice by even trying to tame your unruly locks! Extra ten dollars for you and a fifteen minute wait as well. Aragorn, who had been assisting Legolas and secretly pinching his arse turned and pointed out, That's beyond gay Legolas. Frodo hopped up and down indignantly, MY LINE!Ok, then, you can say it.Thank you, Aragorn. He turned to Legolas. Once again, That's beyond Gay, Legolas.Well, now you have to go to the end of the line, missy.IM NOT A GIRL! Frodo shouted in his... OH! Pink frilly dress with matching eye shadow! good choice, frofro (Frodo: Don't call me that! Alcy:P fine Odorf. Frodo: TT).

Oh. sorry, the long hair and... dress and... eyeshadow and... the sign that gimli is holding behind you that says GIRL' with an arrow pointing at you made me think otherwise.

Frodo promptly turned around to discover that indeed, Gimli was holding such a sign. He grinned sheepishly. GIVE ME THAT! Frodo grabbed the sign away. Turning back to Legolas, he yelled YOU KNOW ME YOU NITWIT! IM FRODO! FRODO! E$#$W$$#$!Sorry, FROD-A, but you still must go to the end of the line. Next please! Pippin eagerly stepped forward, Some people aren't rude like you, Froda. Now get out of my chair! Froda sighed and trudged to the end of the line. Pippin on the otherhand, had a wonderful time chatting with Legolas and Aragorn, not Gimli, and his hair was styled beautifully. Thank you very much Legolas! I'll call you tonight after my date with Dom-I mean, Merry to tell you all the details! Pippin cheerfully waved goodbye as Legolas tried to protest, Not all the details, please!What are you talking about, silly, of course all the details! bye! he then skipped away merrily to... Merry... go figure.

5 hours later, Fro-duh walked up to the chair again. Ok, can I have my hair cut now?Sure, you are the last person in line after all, I'm about to close. hmm, it'll have to be quick then because Pippin should be ringing me any time now. Ok! Snip, snip snip...BUZZZZ! Ok i'm done now! Take a look! Legolas held out the mirror, which Fro-duh had to grab and pull downwards in order to see, then shrieked in horror! he now had a mohawk and the words Froda shaved into the back of his head.

WHAT THE HELL! &#$(&)(&$$&)& $#$#$ #$#$#$#$#$#&())(&&# . Legolas, completley ignoring the obvious wrath of his customer, pushed him out the door and closed up as Frodo continues to swear profusely.

Elrond, from heaven, looked down at them from the clouds, sighed, and then got pulled back into wherever he was to get pummeled more by his pissed off daughter. (Alcy: ... ... that was random.)

Legolas, feeling merciful let frodo out and handing her i mean him a bottle. "Quick grow hair, if you want it, 2 rinses and then wait an hour" Frodo eagerly nodded her...his head and took off excitedly. Legolas sighed "He's so cute and small... makes me wish to go back to the old days again..." the phone then rung. he answered it.

"'lo? OH, hi Pippin! whats up, then?... What? she really said that? what nerve!" He then proceeded to gossip with his "girlfriend" and snacked on carrot sticks while continuing to chat away. Meanwhile Frodo was feeling very sorry for himself and his rude actions with Legolas...deciding to try and win his girMAN! his man back, he quickly went to the 24 hour weapons shop and bought Legolas a beautiful new set of arrows and a large straberry cake, low fat because he knew legolas was watching his hips...

Meanwhile, Aragorn and Merry were having a wonderful time, doing... ahem yeah... Anyway, when they were done, they started to have a conversation. "Merry, whats frodo gonna think about all this? Aren't you two going out?" "Nah, we decided to just be friends who have occasional sex. I think he's looking into a relationship with Legolas, but the only thing thats going to get him to stop thinking about hair is... aw who cares, come here you!" Merry then pounced on Aragorn, and they started AGAIN! Geez, this story is so gay, but we likes it, don't we precious?

Pippin meanwhile was questioning what had happened to his date and was now crying to Legolas "Oh Legolas," he wailed "I have to tell you something! My true love is dead and has been for sometime! I meant to hide it but its too hard!" Legolas gasped, "It wasn't, really?" He asked astonishedly, Pippin nodded, although they were on the phone and legolas couldn't see him, "yes, I was in love with boromir!"

Alcy: Bwahaha! T3h ev0l cl1ffhanger!  
Arfea: _slaps Alcy_STOP SPEAKING L33T!  
Alcy: TT Yeah, go cliffhangers.  
Arfea: So, thank you all for reviewing. Now, we wish to reveal something to our diligent readers.  
Alcy: _snaps out of depression_ **_ahem_** We would like to announce that we finished this story before we even posted the first chapter.  
Arfea: Yes. XD We are very evil to keep this from you, bwahahaha.  
Alcy: o.O stop acting like me.  
Arfea: O.O TT_slaps herself about the face as punishment  
_Alcy: So, the more reviews we get, the quicker we shall post the next chapter. Then the cliffhanger will be lifted.  
Arfea: _comes to_ So, take it away, Samwise!  
Samwise: Please Read and Review! OR ELSE!  
Alcy: Or else **What?  
** Samwise: Or you will have to see Gimli _naked!  
_Arfea: o.O THE HORROR! THE HORROR!  
Chapter: _knocks all 3 unconcious so that it doesn't have to put up with them_ yay, they're quiet.

Legolas: Do it for me? _big shiny anime cute eyes  
_ Frodo: Dude, you can't handle the wide eyes look. Leave it to me. _blinds everyone with his huge shiny innocent adorable eyes_ PWEEEEEESE?

Arfea: AHH! My eyes!


	5. A Fish, A Zombie, A Plot Oh My!

Arfea: Well...we're back! And wasn't that ending a shocker? Well...things only get odder...although the story begins to actually have a point from here on! O.O!

Alcy: Now we have a villan! yay! -

Arfea: Err...yeah...I guess...although the true villan won't be revealed for a little while...

Alcy: And then comes the big finale!

Arfea: Ok, Dissy, do your thing! (Alcy made me)

Dissy: I've said it a million times...well not really...only a few...

GoPD: I said it first! ( Ghost of Previous Disclaimer)

Dissy: Well, yeah, but I'm sick of saying it...check previous posts for the disclaimer..i'm off to have some tea...

Chapter 5 A Fish, A Zombie, A Plot...Oh My!

Legolas stared at the phone astonishedly. "... You're joking, right?" "No! couldn't you tell?" "Well, no. How did this all start?" "Well, one night, Boromir asked me If I wanted to see the horn of Gondor (authors note: taken from Very Secret Diaries of FOTR. Cassie claire ROCKS!), and when I said yes..." "Pippin, you fell for that old line?" "Yes, I know... anyways, I fell in love with him, and thats how it happened."

Legolas sighed, "if you must know pippin, you weren't the last he tried that line on." Pippin began to sob into the phone and Legolas back peddled to fix the situation.

"But you could tell he really meant it with you!" Pippin stopped sobbing and sniffled, "Really?" Legolas crossed his fingers and answered enthusiastically, "Yes of course! Hold on, there's a knock at my door, be right back!"

Legolas put the phone on hold and put it down. He then started laughing. "GAHAHAHAHAHA! HE ACTUALLY FELL FOR THAT ONE! OH THAT'S RICH!" He then composed himself, and picked the phone back up. "Salesman. You were saying?"

And Frodo, who had actually knocked at the door, wondered what the loud noise was about. "Uh Legolas? Hello? Anyone there?" Legolas, however was in the middle of consoling Pippin. Frodo sighed. "FREE HAIR CARE PRODUCTS!" he shouted. Legolas burst through the door, knocking Frodo over, poor frofro.

"FREE STUFF?" he shouted. He then looked around. "hello?" Frodo sweatdropped. "Down here, you dolt!" Legolas looked down. "Oh, didn't see you there Frodo," he joked as he helped him up. Frodo sighed. "Here, I got you some cheesecake and a new set of arrows. AND... " He pulled a fish out from his purse. "I caught you this delicious bass." It was now legolas's turn to sweatdrop. (Alcy: man, Napoleon Dynamite quoting is extremley agravating...)

Legolas smiled and accepted the gifts graciously, "Thank you Frodo. I assume this is an apology?" Frodo nodded, slightly embarassed, and threw the fish out of the window (Arfea: fish? Argh, I haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite yet...) "Do you accept?" Legolas just smiled, "Well, wanna have some cheesecake with me? OOH," He ran back inside and picked up the phone, where Pippin was swearing at him, "Why don't you comeover pippin, i've got cheesecake..." Pippin appeared within seconds...

"FOOD!" Pippin pounced on the cheesecake and started to gobble it up, until he remembered that others wanted to eat it too. Personally, I think cheesecake is nasty, but its their choice... Sorry. Anyways, Frodo and Legolas sweatdropped, while Pippin proceeded to cut off slices of the remainders of the melty, now half-eaten cheesecake.

"So what have you been up to recently, Froda- I mean Frodo?" Asked pip.

Legolas smiled, "Apparently buying me cheesecake. These arrows are very nice by the way. So Pippin, will you continue your story?" Pippin sweat dropped, "well,we should fill Frodo in..."

After filling Frodo in and filling up on cheesecake, the three of them proceeded to go for a walk outside. They wandered until they ran into (quite literally) Galadriel. "Oh, there you three are." She said. "You guy's gotta come see this." She grabbed all three of them by the wrist (don't ask how) and dragged them all to ... the mirror (DUNDUNDUN)...

Meanwhile, Merry and Aragorn decided to go for a walk. They meet up with Galadriel and the others, and Pippin burst into tears.. "you left me for a human Merry?" Merry smiles, "Well, you fell for a human first!"

Galadriel interrupted, "Um, can we save this for later? We HAVE to get to the mirror before it shuts off."  
"Alright" they responded.  
As they all ran for the mirror, however, Frodo tripped and fell. Legolas, acting instictivley, turned around and caught him. They both blushed, as Legolas put him down.

Aragorn, seeing both Frodo and Legolas blush, smiled to himself, he wanted his long time friend and short time lover to be happy, even if it was being in love with the wimp who couldn't destroy the ring...anyway! (Arfea: Tee hee...)Merry and Pippin smiled too and they all turned toward Galadriel. "You all must look at what I have seen." She said.

They proceeded to crowd around the mirror. After a short wait, something appeared in the mirror. They collectiveley gasped. then stared. "Oops." Galadriel hurredly turned a knob on the side of the mirror. "Celeborn's been watching porn again..." ¬¬ she mumbled to herself. Yeah, that was random. Anywho, the image they were meant to see was a picture from the past: Boromir and Pippin.

Far away, Celeborn felt a sharp pain in his head. _Ow, guess she found the porn, well, if she'd put out a little more, I wouldn't have to watch it..._ He goes back to his palantir (dunno how he got it) and proceeds to watch more porn. This was an uneventful part of the story, but was used to breakup the dramatic tension, back to the real story,

"What the hell is this?" Aragorn asked after a short pause by everyone. "um.. uhh... um..." Pippin stuttered. Frodo stood in front of Pippin defensively. "Why do you care? can't someone's private life be left private once in a while?" "Frodo, they already saw it. I think its too late to try to keep it hidden," Legolas whispered. "oh, yeah..."

Galadriel cleared her throat, "um, that wasn't exactly the reason i called you all here...this is..." With a dramatic swish of her robes (b/c she's a drama queen) she changed the picture and they all gasped, collectively. Boromir stood there, looking all evil and zombie-like, over some dead bodies. "Someone has awoken him, or at least his body, and is now terrorizing the Westfold. (dunno what other place for it to be) They all gasped again, 'Whatever shall we do?"

They all thought...  
"Lets buy a ping-pong table!" merry shouted. they all face-faulted.

Arfea: facefaults as well   
Alcnolien: innocent face Whaaaaat?

"Maybe we should go... Kill... him?" Aragorn suggested.  
"NO!" Pippin shouted.  
They all turned to look at him. "Boromir was the only man I really loved. We CAN'T kill him!" "Dude, he's killing innocent people, and he's a zombie. I seriously doubt that he's going to be the same loving mate that you had before he died the first time." Pippin looked up at Frodo. "I don't believe you." He then ran off to cry alone.

Legolas sighed and smacked Frodo on the head, "Mr. Sensitive..I'll go talk to him." Legolas followed Pippin and found him sobbing in a clearing. "Don't worry Pippin, it'll be alr.." Before Legolas finished, Borozombie came out from the shadows and grabbed Legolas. Pippin cried out, "NO BORRY!" And the others came running, only to find that it was too late, Legolas was gone...

Arfea:Wheee (not excitedly)its the end.

Alcy: w00t.

Arfea: We finally have a plot.  
Alcy: And another cliffhanger.  
Arfea: Well, we don't have anything interesting to do ourselves, seeing as we have to figure out a way to motivate our disclaimer without paying him more...  
Alcy: So instead we will have Frodo and Legolas strip-dancing.  
Arfea: Enjoy.  
_both go to watch... and drool... a lot._  
Legolas and Frodo: _proceed to do silly things not sexy at all... Must be a middle earth thing._  
Samwise:_pulls himself away from the strippage_ Um... Review, dammit! I'm trying to watch!


	6. Because Sam is there!

Arfea: Aaannnnd, we're back, with another screwed up chapter of this nutty story...

Alcy: We loves it we do, don't we precious!

Dissy: Oy.

Arfea: Please, just do the disclaimer before i choke her...

Dissy: Ownz nothing, we do...ok, done Arfea, don't choke Alcy, oops, too late.

Alcy: _being choked by Arfea_ Precious chapter..._choking_ please read!

Chapter 6- Because Sam is there.

Frodo dropped to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed in desparation. He then fell to the ground and started sobbing helplessly, helpless tears of lonliness. Merry tried to comfort him, but frodo pushed him away, and ran away into the woods. Pippin sat there confused. "I thought Frodo only liked him for the sex?" "I think thats still why he likes him, but he's started to get to know him now.,..." Merry replied.

Aragorn smirked, "Well, since Legolas swore off sex...Frodo can't really like him for the sex can he?" At this, everyone else nodded in greement. Suddenly, Frodo came back angrily, "AREN'T WE GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?" Pippin sat sobbing quietly. "Borry wouldn't...he wouldn't!"

Aragorn turned to him "of course he bleedin' wouldn't! " in a python-esque tone. "HE'S A FREAKIN ZOMBIE! He's not himself!" "I still think we should go with the ping-pong table idea." Merry said. Facefaults again.

Aragorn, feeling as if he should take the leadership role again, struck a herioc pose with his hand outstrechted finger pointing to the sky, "We shall...GO TO THE SHIRE!" Everyone looked at one another in confusion. "Why the Shire?" Asked Gimli.  
"Because...Sam is there!" Aragorn concluded dramatically, he had paused for effect...

"Um, how about we follow Boromir?" Suggested Merry. "YES! EXCELLENT IDEA! REWRITE!" Shouted the random director standing next to them  
who then proceeded to fall over.  
"How are we gonna follow him?" "With... this!" Frodo pulled out his handy-dandy Legolas tracker that he always carried with him for... oh you know.

Legolas, meanwhile, had kicked BoroZombie's ass and left the zombie lying on the ground. Feeling very masculine he then decimated the zombie army, only to have them all rise again, including Borry, who now looked worse. "Shit." Said Legolas as he was tied to a rather large rock that looked suspiciously like an altar, and doused with water. Why water, you ask? Well, the zombies were all perverts thats why...

"I'd better send out a stronger signal on the legolas tracker.." he pushed a button on his pants: about five seconds later, he heard a shout of "I'VE GOT A SIGNAL!" "Wow," legolas mused to himself, as the water continued to soak into his clothes, "He must be really excited..."  
About 10 seconds after that, frodo jumped out of nowhere and landed on top of legolas...

Legolas looked down at Frodo. "I've still sworn off sex. And since I already killed the zombies, and they came back...I'm not sure what to...stop nuzzling me!"  
Frodo looked back down at him with a smile. "Do you want to get eaten by zombies, or will you have sex with me? It's your choice."

Legolas looked at Frodo, horrified, "Sex or Zombies? Are you that cruel Frodo Baggins?" Frodo just smiled again and Legolas moved to answer. "I pick..." Suddenly the reunited fellowship crashed through the woods, ping-pong table and all, and began to bash zombies. Pippin came over and freed Legolas, "Some people **actually** care about you as a person Legolas." He said with a glare at Frodo and then turned to kick some zombie ass.

Frodo sweatdropped. "Hey, I was just kidding around... I was gonna let him out." They all stared at him with blank eyes. He stoped sweatdropping and smiling: "No, seriously, I was. C'mon..." They all left him behind, while the zombies snuck up behind him without their noticing. They sniffed him: he reeked REALLY bad, except his recently-shampooed hair.

Frodo turned to see a bunch of gross zombies bearing down on him, and did the Frodo-thing...he screamed. Aragorn came running back, sliced off some zombie heads and carried frodo with them to Orthanc, because it was close.

In orthanc, they sat around, panting from the extreme distance they ran: dang, Lothlorien to Outside of Rohan is a long way to run! Anyways, they were all still glaring at Frodo, who was curled up in a little ball rocking back and forth because he hated it when people hated him...  
Suddenly, merry got up and walked over to where frodo was sitting. Frodo looked up, thinking that maybe he was going to say something encouraging... but instead, Merry kicked him in the shin, and went over to sit back down. Frodo didn't cry, but got up and walked out of the tower to sit on the steps and think.

Merry, after kicking Frodo, turned to the ping-pong table and sighed. "Well, I still say a ping-pong table's important...for PLAYING PING-PONG!" Everyone except Legolas nodded at this and began a tournament. Legolas, feeling as if he were the only one in the room with common sense...a result of the no-sex rule?...went to read up on zombies in Saurman's extensive library. Frodo, whilst sitting contemplating, was unaware of a dark figure stalking behind him, until it was too late. BoroZombie grabbed Frodo and shoved something down his throat, then, laughing and hacking up some lung, limped-zombie walked away.

Frodo gagged on whatever was shoved down his throat. Meanwhile, Legolas suddenly felt some sort of shockwave go through his body, as if something bad was happening... "nah, nothing can be wrong. He can take care of himself! He and his perverted sex-loving... whatever... he's prolly out seducing some rohirrim now or something..." He sat and read up more on zombies, while a familiar short furry shadow loomed in the window...

Arfea: Well, another chapter is done.(although they are all actually complete...hmm?)  
Readers: _**EXTREME CLIFFHANGERED!**_  
Alcy: _sweatdrop_ dont mind the Homestar Runner referance.  
Arfea: Oi, Dissy, get over here.  
Dissy: _sigh_ We dun own it, and I already said that...  
Arfea: Ah well, good boy. _pets dissy_  
Alcy: Well, I hope you enjoyed this. It only gets more cliffy and hangery and stupider... y... from here.  
Arfea: Well, we're gonna go procrastinate on posting Chapter 7. Samwise, Take it away.  
Samwise: Read and review, or You'll never see Frodo or Legolas again!  
Thems: _tied up yo_ AAAAH! HELP!


	7. Pie Monkeys

Arfea: yeah, well, if anyone is actually reading this, wow...that's sad. BTW, in case you haven't been reading so far, this is the randomest, most def. not normal story written by 2 authoresses who had too much time on their hands.

Alcy: And pudding.

Arfea: We didn't have pudding.

Alcy: But we _should_ have.

Arfea: ponders You're right.

Disclaimer: No ownage, not now, and for the love of Pete, not ever.

Warning: Extremely gay, but not meant to offend, merely to laugh at.

**Chapter 7: Pie Monkey**

The Ping-Pong Tournament of Champions was well underway. So far, Galadriel and Merry were both on spectacular winning streaks and several Rohirrim and Elves sat around sobbing from defeat. (Legolas: HELLO! CREEPY SHADOW? Arfea: Gettin to it) Suddenly, they all heard a horrified cry, and rushed to see what it was. A zombified Frodo stood, holding onto Legolas. It laughed evilly, in a zombie-way, and looked at Legolas. "I am now in control of the Zombies, have sex with me or I will kill all of Middle Earth!"  
"But you're in Middle Earth." Replied Legolas,  
"And so am I..." Zombie-Frodo thought about this for a moment.  
Pippin, standing in the doorway, cried out. "FRODO! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? WHERE'S BOROMIR? DO YOU KNOW?" Frodo looked over at him, slowly.  
"Of course I know where he is." Boromir slowly came out of the shadows, and walked up next to him. "You see? He's right here. And he's mine." Frodo then grabbed boromir's face and kissed him. Pippin gasped. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas squirmed around,  
"Zombies...bad smell...powerful nose...can't handle!" And promptly fain(Legolas: GIRLS FAINT, BOYS PASS OUT! Arfea: Sorry..)Passed out.  
Pippin, glaring at BoroZombie cried out, "YOU SOB I'm carrying your child!" At which the zombie turned,  
"I'm a daddy?" He said.  
"NOT IF I DON'T GIVE YOU CUSTODY!" Pippin shot back.  
"Cheating on me does make me consider that possibility." Pippin laughed slightly evilly, then remembered that his one true love was currently a zombie that was trying to take over the world. "Boromir, why have you been kidnapping others and not me? You pervert! I've been waiting for you to be resurrected by the random magic, and now you're chasing after other men! What the hell is wrong with you?" Frozombie sighed and sat down.  
"Wait, how can a guy get pregnant?" asked Legolas.  
"Beats me. Not even I, with my new zombie powers, know how," replied teh Fro-duh zombie.  
Legolas shivered. "Well, I'll never get pregnant! I think hobbits have that ability though, dunno something about bein able to...actually, I don't want to know!" He finished and, moving like a ninja, he kicked himself free from Fro-duhZombie's grip and smirked. "Ha!" Fro-duhZombie's eyes glowed an evil red and Legolas sweatdropped nervously. Frodo jumped up and stuck to the ceiling in a spiderman-type pose. He crawled across and jumped down on top of Legolas' shoulders, and placed newly grown claws across his throat.  
"You're gonna die now, unless you join the zombie army!" Legolas sighed, and picked up the still-very-midgetlike hobbit off his shoulders, and kicked him where it hurt. He then dropped him to the floor, and walked over to where Boromir and Pippin were now arguing loudly.  
"Look, Boromir, why don't you become a non-zombie, fix frodo so that he doesn't threaten anyone's lives, and go shag with Pippin somewhere far away in the tower?" Frodo continued to moan. Boromir quirked his head to the side.  
"Well, its not that easy...you need...wait, I'm a brainless zombie...mutters incoherently" Boromir began to walk around them, zombie like, and a bunch of other zombies grabbed them all.  
Frodo sat upon a very large throne, dressed in zombie chique and wearing a skull for a crown. "NOW YOU WILL ALL BE ZOMBIES, AND LEGOLAS WILL HAVE SEX WITH ME!" Legolas, tied along with everyone else, had to respond,  
"NO WAY, I'D BE UGLY AND U'D BE UGLY, THIS ISN'T THE WAY TO WIN MY HEART OR GET IN MY PANTS!" Little did Legolas know that Frodo's excessive amount of horniness was BECAUSE of the fact that he was a zombie: He was in fact the reincarnated chosen one, and all zombies are perverts. Therefore, Frodo was the most perverted. He had started to become the zombie king very early in the story, due to the whatever-its-called-when-someone-comes-back-from-the-deadness of Boromir. The REAL frodo was basically locked away. Poor frodo.

"Ugh"Alcy said from the void of Authoresshood. "That took a lot of words. You happy with that Arfea?" she asked with a smirk. Arfea smiles,  
"Go Legolas, not just for sex! Hmmm, well should I explain where they are?" Takes a deep breath. "Ok, well, they were captured by the zombies in the net, it took a while to get them where they are now, so they are now in a dark castle, somewhere in Middle Earth, Frodo has become the all powerful Zombie king, with Boromir as his right-hand man. Everyone is tied up who isn't a zombie. Pippin is pregnant, dunno how, with Boromir's baby and Legolas has sworn off sex...and Fro-duhZombie only wants to have sex with Legolas...so, thats the background, incase anyone's confused." Arfea is breathing hard because that took a lot of air.  
"Good job, 'fea. Now, back to the story."

"YOU'LL NEVER SEDUCE ME!"Legolas shouted. Merry, who was listening like a good boy to the ramblings of the demented authoresses, said "Leggy, weren't you listening? He's not really perverted." Legolas read the previous paragraphs.  
"Oh. Well, YOU'LL STILL NEVER GET ME! NEVER!"  
"SILENCE" commanded fro-duh zombie king man dude woman... sir... thingy. "YOU MORONS HAVE ANGERED ME! FOR THAT, YOU ALL SHALL SUFFER!"  
"What are you going to do to us, you heartless fiend?"Aragorn asked.  
"I shall force you to watch... POKEMON ANIME!"

Alcy: Muahahaha!

Arfea: That must be the meanest thing we can do to them.

Alcy: You said it, 'fea!

Arfea: hits Alcy with a pan Urusei! .

Alcy: Anyways... Samwise, say the thing!

Samwise: Tune in next week for another exciting chapter of A Gay Old Time! Same Bat-time, Same Bat-really-stupid-authoresses!

A&A: attacks


	8. No More Pikachus

Hey, we're back! And it's only been a couple of... years? Yeah, years. Sorry about that. Anyways, we've got the second to last chapter. HOORAY aren't you excited?

... It was already written a couple years ago. We just never got around to posting it. We're sorry. D:

Meh. Enjoy yourselves.

Chapter 8: Things Are Now In Motion That Cannot Be Undone.

Previously, on A Gay Old Time...

"SILENCE!" commanded Fro-duh zombie king man dude woman... sir... thingy. "YOU MORONS HAVE ANGERED ME! FOR THAT, YOU ALL SHALL SUFFER!"

"What are you going to do to us, you heartless fiend?" Aragorn asked.

"I shall force you to watch... POKEMON ANIME!!!"

They all gasped as they were instantly transported to an iMax theatre, where pokemon anime was playing.

Arfea turns to Alcy, "That was incredibly cruel, Miss Nolien. But fun."

And so the fellowship and Galadriel were forced to watch 9 1/2 hours of the entire series of Pokemon, plus all the movies and fan movies, while Fro-duh Zombie and the zombie army took over Middle Earth, and the ping-pong table.

"No! Not the pingpong table!" Shouted Merry.

"Shut up! No one gives a crap about that thing." Aragorn (who shouted the previous whatever it was) was feeling the full effects of the 91/2 hours or torture. The others had lost their sanity and will to live long ago.

"I WANT TO END IT ALL! AND ROLL AROUND IN A PUDDLE OF BLUE JELLO!" shouted... someone.

"I want to kiss Rosie one last time before I die... All that pokemon has turned me heterosexual again..." Sam said to himself.

Legolas cried, "NO MORE PIKACHU!! I GIVE IN FRODO, FREE ME FROM THIS TORTURE!"

Fro-duhZombie appeared, "You will give in to me?" Legolas nodded. "You are free!"

Legolas jumped up, and, grabbing Fro-duhZombieKing's long sword, freed the rest of them...and they escaped through the exit...Legolas stopping long enought to say, "TRICKED YA, FRO-DUH!"

"Curses!" Froduh muttered to himself.

They ran back to Orthanc, where Legolas had realized, thanksto his loss of sanity, how to defeat the zombie king and return Frodo to normal. After freeing the ping-pong table and Orthanc from the grasp of the zombies, they all made a plan and prepared for the battle that would inevitably come...

Legolas turned to Aragorn as they were preparing for battle, "Do y'think the real Frodo actually cares about me?"

Aragorn shrugged, "Who knows?"

(Authoresses:WE DO!, Arfea: Well, actually, no we don't.)

Legolas sighed, "I dunno, but I wouldn't mind startin' a family. U'kno, little ones runnin around, all cute with pointy ears, of course, with Frodo's big eyes, they'd be absolutely adorable, don't you think?"

As Legolas fantasized, Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Height and race issues?"

Legolas snorted, "Your wife didn't think so!"

Aragorn nodded, "And look where that got her!"

Legolas sighed.

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were in the midst of an arguement.

"You can't go out and fight if your carrying a little one!" Said Merry.

"But I want to fight and save the one I love from dying... again!" cried out Pippin.

"I won't allow my niece or nephew to be killed in battle!" And with that, he knocked Pippin out and tied him to a bed, in a random bedroom...and left.

Suddenly, in front of them, appeared the Zombie king, and about 500,000,000,000 zombie soldiers.

"Eep." the... 10? Non-zombies said. Legolas stepped foreward, and Froduh Zombieking stood across from him a few feet away.

"Zombie King: I issue you a challenge."

Froduh squinted. "What kind of a challenge? What are the conditions?"

Legolas made a sudden movement, and Frodo dove for sting and stopped in midair, catching the ping-pong paddle that Legolas had tossed at him.

(sweatdrop for entire zombie army)

"If I win 2 games out of 3 in pingpong against you, you will leave Frodo's body and return him to normal, AND bring Boromir back to life in Non-Zombie condition. If you win, you may do with me what you like."

Fro-duhZombieKing, pondered for a moment, then grinned evilly. "I accept your challenge! Prepare to loose, Pretty Boy!"

"No Legolas, don't do this!" Cried out Aragorn.

"I must, for Pippin, and my sexlife..."

And so the game began. And everyone, including the Authoresses, watched, wondering what would happen. Legolas looked sad though, "When i defeat him, I'll have to give up my shop..."

"Legolas!" Aragorn shouted. "You don't have to give up your dream! You can pursue you passion and have a sex life too!"Legolas looked back with a serious look on his face for a moment. And then he smiled and turned toward the pingpong table, where Froduh waited, smirking

confidently. "You'll be mine, Legolas." "Yeah, right." Legolas served the ball, and the battle began.

Tune in next week for the Thrilling conclusion!

... or just whenever we get around to posting it. XD


	9. The End

Ok, here it is, the last chapter. It's been a long, stupid ride, hasn't it? Sorry it took so long to finish updating this, I'm sure that no one cares about/likes this story, but heck, we were proud of it at the time we wrote it. And then we never got around to finish posting it.

Well, in any case, I hope you enjoy reading this, the final chapter.

Disclaimer: We still do not own any of these characters except for those based upon ourselves.

Chapter 9: Ze End!

The first game was well underway before anything interesting happened, so Arfea decided to skip to the good stuff.

Fro-DuhZombieKing and Legolas were pretty evenly matched...until the Zombie started playin dirty.

VERY dirty. He used his zombie minons to distract Legolas with a combination of grabbing his arms, dancing around, reciting quotations from popular movies, and, the clincher, extremley bad haidos. NO proper hairdesser can resist trying to tame unruly locks, and Legolas had to use every of his 3 ounces of manliness to resist the urge to be distracted. Fortunatley, he was also an excellent ping-ponger, so he managed to win the first game.

Legolas was determined to play fairly, but it was becoming increasingly hard to concentrate; not only were the Zombies distracting him, but everyone was cheering his name...his elvish ears were overloaded!

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" He cried, "I can't hear myself think! AND GET THE ZOMBIES OUT OF HERE AND PLAY FAIR AND SQUARE ZOMBIE KING! Or, I won't have sex with you even if you do win..."

"We made a deal: you have to do what I wish. Do you want your little friends free or not?"

Legolas stared at the floor. "... Yes. They're my friends. Even though I havent had any extreme problems for them to be there for me, they still were there for me in case I did. Sure, they started liking me for the sex, but they got to know me, and they became my friends." He looked him straight in the eye. "I will defeat you. For I am..." He ripped his shirt off to reveal a Gold metal. "THE PING PONG CHAMPION OF ALL ELVES!!"

Fro-duhZombieKing, distracted by the site of Legolas' bare chest, nearly lost the second game, but came back from behind when someone else who was ogling Legolas decided to see if he could touch him. Legolas freaked and lost the second game.

Now they were down to the wire...

This game would decide the fate of MiddleEarth, Zombies, or Elf-hobbit and Human-hobbit children.

Both, in my opinion, are quite scary, but anways...

Anyways, it was the final game. Each contestant was given a five minute break to relax and/or ensure she-- no, he be able to play his best.

While Froduh ZombieKind was sitting on a beach in malibu during those 5 minutes, Legolas was taping his friends mouthes shut and fixing all the zombies hairdos in record time. It was quite a feat. Soon, however, the five minutes ended, and the Final match begun. Legolas wisely decided to put his shirt back on, but left it slightly unbuttoned...just in case.

Fro-duhZombieKing was feeling very confident, for he had an ace up his sleeve. And so the match began. It was a fast paced, pulse-pounding, a very close game .

It was when Froduh was behind by 3 points that he decided to pull out his ace.

Legolas was just about to serve when Froduh screamed "Stop!" He summoned Boromir to his side, and pulled an ace of spades from his sleeve.

From the void, the authoresses sweatdropped. "I didn't mean that literally..." Arfea said to Alcnolien who was currently writing. "I know, but I felt it would provide comic relief!" Alcy said with a grin.

Back to story.

The Ace of spades that Froduh held was actually a knife, and he held it against Boromir's jugular. "Surrender, or Boromir Dies!"

Legolas shrugged his shoulders, "He's a zombie, he'll come back again until you make him a real person again."

Fro-DuhZombieKing thought about this for a moment, then dropped BoroZombie and grabbed Pippin. "Fine, then he and his...er...unborn child DIE!!"

Legolas stopped his paddle mid-swing. "You wouldn't!"

Fro-DuhZombieKing smirked, "Try me!"

Legolas' shoulders slumped, "I can't have you kill Pippin... I," But before he could finish, BoroZombie sprung into action and grabbed Pippin.

"No! You can't kill him! I love him!" Boromir shouted. "I won't let you!" Boromir, who was the first zombie to be awakened, forced Legolas and Froduh into an alternate dimension: this way, the game was fair.

Legolas smirked, while FroduhZombieking reeled back. "NO! THIS ISN'T POSSIBLE! I CAN'T BRING US BACK!"

Legolas smirked, "So we're stuck here until one of us loses! And it WON'T be me!" With that he served the ball so hard, Fro-DuhZombieKing's head smacked back as it bounced straight into his forehead. Legolas grimaced, "That won't look good when he turns back..."

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR? I THOUGHT WE WERE PLAYING FAIR?" Frodo shouted with a HUGE anime anger mark on his head.

"It was an accident! Let's just get on with the game!" Legolas said with a sweatdrop. So they continued to play. On one final spectacular hit, Legolas won the game.

Legolas smiled, "Now, you have to change everyone back, and leave Frodo's body!" Fro-DuhZombieKing didn't like this, and threw himself at Legolas, (like Saurman in TTT when he charged at Gandalf in Theoden's body) And Legolas, (like Gandalf) just hit him, hard. "Get out now." said Legolas through bared teeth.

Froduh sighed. "Fine. But before I go, can I have one peek? Please?"

Legolas stood there for a moment. "PERVERT!" He shouted, kicking him in the stomach again and again. "GET OUT OF MY FRIEND'S BODY, NOW!" BRING BACK BOROMIR! LEAVE THIS WORLD!" He kept kicking all the time he was shouting.

However, Frodo had regained himself when Legolas realized that he was back in Orthanc. Froduh was gone: Frodo was back to normal. The last five kicks had been felt by Frodo, and seen by his friends.

"Oops."

Pippin and Borry were happily reunited and hugging each other. Legolas, however, was not so happily reunited with Frodo.

"Oh, Frodo, I'm sorry!" He said, helping Frodo into a chair.

Frodo shook his head, "Its alright Legolas, stop fussing!"

At his shout, Legolas jumped up and moved away.

He mumbled something incoherent, and moved out of the door onto the steps.

Frodo followed, "Legolas...thanks for saving me from Fro-duh."

"Wow, that was lame," Said Aragorn from behind. Frodo twitched.

"And, if you don't want him, I'll take him!" Said Aragorn with a smile, at which Merry growled angrily.

Frodo looked at Legolas. "Nah, I think I'll keep him. I've still got to get to know him from here." He smiled, and Legolas smiled back.

The wind blew in their hair. Aragorn coughed as Merry fumed. "Well, I'll just leave you two alone..." He then got dragged away by the collar. Merry was VERY angry.

They stood there a moment. Frodo ran toward Legolas and jumped into his arms. Legolas hugged back. They both cried. "Legolas... I'm so sorry..."

(( AN- this is a very old story that we haven't updated in ages, and throughout the various transfers to different computers and such, it seems we've lost a bit of whatever part of the story happened here. We apologize profusely.))

Frodo smiled. "I'll look foreward to it." They then looked at

the floor. Then at each other. Legolas put Frodo down, and they each rubbed the back of their heads.

They stood there awkwardly for several very loooong moments...

...

Legolas grabbed Frodo by the wrist and dragged him off to another room, and shut the door behind them.

THE ENNNNNN-DUH!


End file.
